Reader's Digest

I'd done this before, a number of times with alternating rates of success. At the previous election I had accumulated all the varying manifestoes. I carefully cut out each separate statement. From the bland taste of their words I could not distinguish one from the other However their synthesis did make some kind of sense I could tell which candidates would win. This skill of mine happened to be fortunate for some people and lucrative for myself.

I wasn't prepared for this kind of request though. This, to mix my metaphors, was a whole different kettle of worms. The process began easily enough; I visited a number of bookshops and easily procured the sacred texts. I wondered if the type of translation mattered? If the type of typeface used would affect the outcome? These questions would remain unanswered until I had produced the results.

The various qualities of paper and ink felt different from each other. Some manuscripts were deeply printed on thick paper with indelible inks created from the carcasses of beetles; others were lightly printed on thin crisp sheets of translucent paper with a delicate gilt edge that pealed off like a chocolate coin. Others were written with a quill on flaky parchment, or a biro on lined paper ripped from a spiral pad. I had them all amassed in front of me and they had been prepared. The jackets were removed, a small incision and the spine was torn off leaving only the stitching and glue to be cut away before the real work could start. Each paragraph was separated from the body of the text. This was dissected further; a few sentences or words making up each bite-sized piece. Then I set to work with the sauces, pickles and chutneys…

That night I think I slept comfortably. The client phoned first thing in the morning, I said I'd phone him back once I had what he wanted, I'm not sure if I hung up before I passed out…

It was hours until I next awoke, this time a persistent growling sound pulled me away from the searing heat of the desert that filled my dreams. It was my stomach, it wasn't happy. I staggered to the toilet grabbing my phone as I kicked open the door. I hit redial and my client got their results.