Alive, or just breathing?

The re-used tea bag brewed feebly in an overused ‘Best boyfriend in the world' cup with no handle. The crust that had to be shuffled from her feet as she left the kitchen, and again when she climbed into bed, no longer annoyed her. The flat was beyond being funny, in fact beyond any kind of joke at all. There was now a constant 4” square on the worktop to do anything, which before she was sure there used to be space to chop a carrot! Now it's just plain awkward to make tea mid-air in a cup devoid of a handle.

Shay was on her way over, which was a visit always looked forward to, along with her overbearing patronising (or was it the always being right?) that sent an unnerving sense through her.

Mia had always felt that she was living a charade for as long as she could remember, liking the more tangible, real or not, things in life. People being the most disposable things, even the ones made of the same stuff.

The same old knock clattered on the door - Shay.

Mia gathered herself whilst manoeuvring around the badly placed bed and the crap disguising the carpet, and composed a smile. Well, one that she could muster anyway, as she opened the door.

“It's everything about her; I've kept it down,” Mia went on as if Shay had been there for the conversation in her head, and didn't even take the time to look at her as she came in! “I've been biting my tongue and I'm now sick of the taste of blood. I don't know what to do anymore, there's no outside communication, nothing.” She went on, “She's everything I hate…” Mia never seemed to find the time to sit down when she had visitors. Instead she would circle the room, well she would do more of an L-shape!

“…And everything you know my dear” Shay fitted in pertinently and without delay, as usual.

“She has these implicit qualities, and I don't mean that in a positive way” Mia said venomously.

Shay then retorted “She's ever so good at so much… ” This was always something that came up in their relationship, the endless contradiction, that wasn't always (or possibly never) meant in a confrontational way but always managed to be the primary ingredient for an argument. Mia didn't want at all to see Shay sitting on that high fence shaped like a horse! She wanted a kindred.

A slightly pinker, more peeved Mia carried on, “But she's fucking terrible with people, how can you be so good at literally everything except for the fundamental thing that helps you get by and be vaguely contented in life?”

A long stern exhalation carried Shays words, “Maybe she is not meant to be happy; some people cannot use those advantages that they are given in life. Some of us can't even imagine how that would feel!” Shay paused as Mia shuddered. “My dear, animosity often triggers bitter resentment or retaliation, it would be nothing unusual or strange, or perhaps it would produce nothing at all… she is lonely and hurt, and people should know better than to hurt someone so badly, don't you agree? When a person is hurt and scared for so long, their fear and pain turn to hate and then the hate starts to change the world around them.”

“Is animosity even in context in this situation?” Mia retorted in a sardonic tone.

Mia cannot function sometimes, and this is certifiably one of those times. Whatever chemicals in her brain inhibit her thoughts, they were now on violent attack; she forgets sometimes that Shay is her companion!

”I think it may be a case of self-loathing.” Shay naturally expected a coarse snap back.

“I hate her, not me!”

“Over and over I tell people that you have to be careful how you… “

Mia abruptly interrupted with “Too right over and over! Sorry Shay, but you really do my head in when you're like this”

“…fight evil,” Shay completed her sentence in a meagre tone. “Your weapons can turn back on you, and it's ever so easy to make a strange situation even more difficult to understand.”

“Every time you come over you chat about ‘a strange situation'! It's really not that strange…and enough of the ‘dear' and whas all this about weapons?” Of course, Mia didn't want answers to any of these figurative questions.

“Imagine the words she has to use, Mia…”

‘Hang on… this is when she was goes off in her own little way… she's using my name' Mia spiralled off as usual, internally.

“…the faces she has to wear…”

‘Wait up… she's staying calm now! This isn't what she did the last time. Faces? Masks? What are they on about? She on about? Is this an innate ability to listen and think, imagine the possibilities! Multi-tasking to a different level, maybe I could be someone else? Or at least pretend to be, I don't really want to listen to them on the outside but if I could do it on the inside they would never know they were right, or able to persuade me, I could be different and untouchable, the possibilities are endless'

“… to not want to have to” Shay said only a breath later.

‘Yeah, untouchable, I'd like to listen but hey, my minds off now! On a wander so many places to go, people to please, people to deceive, ahh… glorious me and my thorny mind.' Mia could only wish that this was a monologue in her head!

“Having so many options could kill a person inside” Shay went on, fully aware that Mia had drifted in her usual manner, like on all the other visits, probably to the same place.

‘Yes… kill a person! Kill a person? Options, I have options… we have options, you do Shay… don't worry - who's he? I don't… everything's fine, has he been here all along? Is he here?'

“I think her fantasy must save her sanity.” Shay turned and said to the doctor, the third person who seemed to go unnoticed by Mias' tumultuous mind. Shay went on,

“She still has a place to be content… still has a spark, a glow… well an afterglow, she still doesn't know though. I've spent my time considering which of the options would hurt her more, knowing or not knowing. This way she can reside in her misery, with the company of herself and she can also bathe in the glory of her hatred for herself. We could let her go to the roof again… better still, we could simply up her dosage of tea-bags?!”

By Anon

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